Friday, December 19, 2008

For a Marley, that ghost dude in Dickens didn't smoke enough weed...

Today is the 165th anniversary of the publication of "A Christmas Carol" by Charles Dickens. In honor of such a monumental occasion, I've decided to get into the Christmas spirit. So, convert your beer helmets to high octane egg nog filled viking helmets of Christmas cheer because me and Charlie Dickens are about to rock your Scrooge McFace off.

It occurs to me after five minutes of lazy research, that there are a lot of horrible, horrible atrocities committed in the name of Christmas; mostly on the internet. Shame on you, internet. If Santa were alive today, he'd be spinning in his grave! (ed. note: Fact check death of Santa and ability to spin in grave while alive. It seems much more likely than spinning while dead, but we don't want to look like assholes.) With that in mind, and a desire to bring back the holiday spirit of old, I bring you The Charles Dickens Memorial Naughty (the bad kind) and Nice List, 2008:



Why Japan, you ask? Well, let's for the sake of argument say that there's only one reason, and it is this: Anime Christmas Specials!

Look, I give Japan a lot of props. They gave the world Nintendo, the Discman, and the ability for Horton to hear the shit out of that Who with the power of Sony's Blu-ray technology. And probably some other things, too. Sushi, I think. But damn it, if I have to decipher why what may or may not be a boy/girl with cat ears and something that looks like a cross between a monkey and a marshmallow have to save what may or may not be Santa Claus from his robotic evil twin, I'm going to lose my Christmas Cheer-rection all at once and just start New Years early. Except instead of champagne, I'll be drinking turpentine. Thanks, Japan.

Which brings me to...


A Charlie Brown Christmas

With the exception of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, I defy you to come up with something that conjures more happy yuletide memories from even the coldest of hearts than A Charlie Brown Christmas. Lights please...ahem...And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people: Suck it, Japan.


Santa, why are you touching my bathing suit area?

Some capital D Douche-Bag in Maryland has caused the U.S. Postal Service to suspend its Operation Santa Claus program because he was caught trying to use it to gain access to children. You know, so he could use the image of Santa to touch them. Just so you know, Operation Santa, in which volunteers would play Santa to grant the holiday wishes of needy kids who'd written letters to the North Pole, has been going on for almost a century. Helping bring a little joy to kids whose families may have to choose between presents and heat this year. Join me now in a beautiful Christmas carol, in which we all sing of the special place in Hell reserved for this guy where he'll be raped repeatedly by that butch elf with the pointy beard who ran the toy factory in Rudolph.


Atheists like X-mas, too!

This sign was posted in a government building in Washington State, alongside a nativity scene and a Christmas tree:

Mostly, this one makes me smile because of all the anger the religious right has hurled at it. Welcome to America, kids. If you're going to stick a big ol' honkin' image of the ideology you support right up there on government land, everyone else can, too. Besides, Christmas hasn't been about Jesus since toys were invented. And now that we have video games where you can bang hookers for points, or beat someone to death with a manhole cover by shaking your arm back and forth like you're having a seizure, it doesn't look like it'll be swinging back his way for a good long while.

And I support the hell out of that. Like a wise man once said "Be good for goodness' sake." That's right, boys and girls, Bill Murray in Ghostbusters. Like most people my age, I get all my ideals in life from mid-80's sci fi movies. e-mail me some time and ask for the story of how Doc Brown and the flux capacitor got me to change my religion.

Merry X-mas everyone. And so, as Tiny Tim observed: "Roads? Where we're going, we don't need....roads."

God bless us, everyone. Right in the mouth.

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