...Claves Regni Cælorum...

So, tonight as I'm driving home from work, I notice an inordinately large number of cars sporting "Vote the Bible" bumper stickers left over from Election Day. Granted, I live in Texas, but still, it's a lot more than you'd think; Houston's generally a more laid back place than the traditional image of Texas would have one believe. Being a major metropolitan area, cultural melting pot and at least somewhat interesting place to science it up like a motherfucker kind of lends it a more mellow vibe. They have mega-churches and evangelical, jesus-freaky preachers, and sure they're both (churches and preachers alike) garish eyesores that rape the senses of anyone who doesn't buy in to their "BELIEVE IT OR ELSE" ethos. But there's a sense that most of the people here roll their eyes at that kind of thing. Ok, maybe not most, but enough of a percentage to where I'm not burned in effigy as a heretic on a nightly basis. Fortnightly, maybe, but I can deal with that. Hell, Harris County (the county that Houston is in) even voted Democratic in the majority last November. Not that it really matters, of course. This is America, and people can vote how they please (which is why the following is such a damn kick in the teeth).

Every now and then, shit like this will pop up and remind me that I'm technically living in the crotch of the Bible Belt. Any of us could guess at what "Vote the Bible" means, and we'd be right, but just for shits and grins, I Googled "Vote the Bible" when I got home, just to hear it in a little more soul-crushing detail. From votethebible.com:

"Christians have the responsibility, entitlement, and the God given right to take America back from the special interests of Anti-Christian extremists. We can accomplish this most noble task by exercising our vote. In this critical and important time, Christians must not be influenced to vote for their personal political preferences or interests, political party affiliation, not their individual financial purposes, nor the pigmentation of a candidate's skin. Vote the Bible on the issues that will determine the fate of America. Vote for the candidates that are pro life, pro traditional marriage, pro prayer in private and public places, and that embrace the Judeo Christian heritage of this nation. This election year is perhaps the most important we have ever faced. With God's blessings and by encouraging our fellow Christians to collectively "Vote The Bible" we can take America back."

Pissed off yet? Check this out, from The Most Reverend Dickface Jones...I mean, Pastor Steve Fender, figurehead of votethebible.com:

"Sometimes prevention is a greater manifestation of love than tolerance. Such as, prevention of a child from traffic or a burning fire. Some behavior should not be tolerated.
Comparing the behavior of homosexuality to the civil rights of
minorities is racism."

Squeezable Sweet Baby Ray, that's one hell of a nutjob. Leaving aside the terrible quality of the writing ("For the love of Jah-eez-us, Matilda, we MUST prevent that child from that burning fire!" Ass. ) This man is actually using the argument of racism to SUPPORT PREJUDICE! What the fuck, man?! That's like comparing oranges to oranges and then calling it the Holocaust. Ok, maybe it's not like that, but this prick makes less sense than I do, so I win.

Picking through his hate-filled garbage, one may find the thread of an argument that suggests that the struggles of the gay community are nothing like those of racial minorities. YES THEY GOOD AND FUCKING WELL ARE! Here you have a group of people who have been denied the basic rights afforded to others. They've beaten, spit on, jeered and otherwise roundly mistreated for many many years because they're different. And now they're fighting for the rights that everyone else gets by simple virtue of living in America. Or the U.K. or wherever, it's the same story (more or less; gay marriage is legal in England, last I checked. You go, Elton!) If that doesn't sound a hell of a lot like the Civil Rights Movement of the 60's, I'll suck a cock on Christmas. Are the things they've had to endure exactly the same? Not at all, but they're close enough for comparison. And saying "Jeez, man, those gay dudes sure have had to overcome a lot. So have those black dudes." Is NOT the same as saying "Jeez, man, I'm going to give this job I have available to that less qualified white dude because I sure do dislike the darkies." One is racism. One is not. Thus proving one of my long held beliefs: THE BIBLE IS NOT A FUCKING DICTIONARY AFTER ALL.

The Vote the Bible movement isn't limited to voting to deny homosexuals the right to marry or file their taxes together or receive joint health benefits. Not by a long shot. It throws in its two cents, as it always does, on liberalism, abortion, any religion that isn't Protestant, sexy entertainment, and basically anything fun at all.

Ok, here's my stance in a nutshell: AMERICA ISN'T "YOURS," ASSHOLE. It's ours. Mine, and yours and that guy's and that chick's and the skank at the end of the bar's, and the weird gay dude on the corner in nothing but a green speedo and roller blades's, and Barack Obama's and George Bush's and Jerry Falwell's and Kareem Abdul Jabar's and whoever else is lucky enough to hang here with us's. It's all of ours. And America, as much as it may look like it, does not have a "Judeo-Christian heritage." Yes, through much of its history, the majority of people in positions of power in America have been Christian. But that does not make this a Christian nation. It makes it a nation with Christians in it. And the moment, the fucking instant that you deny another individual a right that any other individual enjoys simply because you do not agree with his or her choice of sexual partner, or skin color, or because you think the invisible avenger you pray to could totally beat up the invisible avenger that dude's praying to, then America the way it's been promised to us is well and truly gone. Jesus himself said (The dude in the book, not the for real dude, I have no idea what he said, but I'll bet it was hardcore.) "In my father's house there are many mansions." Even in Heaven, there's room for pretty much everyone.

You think America's better than Heaven, Vote the Bible Guy? Wow.

Your move.


Don't Vote the Bible. Vote some goddamned common sense. And fuck the Most Reverend Dr. Prickface right in the mouth. Forever and ever. Amen.